Today’s collage is a reminder to myself. It is an expression of the reasons I embarked on this project in the first place. I wanted to bring more colour into my life, more variety. I wanted to spend more time exploring and playing and expressing myself visually.
It is day 3 of the 30 Day Challenge and I have already come up against unexpected obstacles and learned valuable lessons in my attempts to devote a small amount of time each day to creativity.
On Day 1, I had to accept that the piece I had in mind was not ready to be made then, and may never be. I carried on regardless, determined to produce something and felt it was important to express the feelings that arose in relation to the conflict between wanting to create something and being able to create what I had in mind. This is something I have always struggled with and I have vivid memories of a childhood holiday when, as often happens, I had attempted to draw something, but was less than satisfied with the results. Instead of trying again, I hid under the table, crying, frustrated at my inability to live up to my own expectations. There was nobody else there telling me that what I had done was not good enough, just me, aiming at perfection, but falling short, giving myself a hard time. I think I have learned to be kinder to myself. The desire for perfection is still there, yes, but it is not the be all and end all. It is a different kind of perfection… the ability to create the perfect piece for that moment, the piece that whilst not technically brilliant says something, speaks to someone, expresses what’s inside. My pose, arms spread, taken with my webcam on Day 1, represents surrender… letting go. The anticipation and the fear are still there, but the excitement and sense of freedom I experience when I do let go of my expectations and just go with the flow, can be overwhelming.
On Day 2, the 20 minutes I had set aside became 2 hours of action, as I painted, coloured in, cut up, pasted back together and really immersed myself in the glorious feeling of making something. There was something very physical about yesterday’s work. I felt acutely aware of the movement of my arm as I was painting, black on white, and loved that feeling which was as though my whole body was dancing with the brush, taking part in the process. This was a sensation I had not experienced in some time and I realised it had been years (I dared not count how many) since I lasted painted freely. If something felt this good, why had I waited so long? As I was painting, I remember thinking to myself, “I could be doing this blindfold, it does not matter what it looks like, I just love this feeling”. Examining the finished piece, I was not faced with a painting I felt particularly proud of, but something better, a piece that reminded me of an experience I had thoroughly enjoyed from start to finish. I immediately let go of any fears of sharing my work (something I may not have done previously had I not been entirely happy with it) as it did not matter to me what this piece looked like, it was what it felt like to create it that was all important. This was why I chose to share it step by step.
Day 3 and I’m all about having fun, feeling good, immersing myself in the things that make me come alive and seeing where they lead. More obstacles will present themselves, I know. New challenges lay ahead, but it’s all in the way we approach them and if I am able to look on the bright side and see them as a way to learn and grow, then I think I am on the right track.
